The list. Now its over.

Ive been getting increasingly bitter as the weeks have gone on. and i need to lay it all out there, get it off my chest, and move forward.
So here we go:

Things that piss me off and i wish i was stronger than.

1. Jealousy- the cop and i aren't getting engaged (or married) for another 2 years. all my friends are already engaged married or married and pregnant. I want to get married RIGHT NOW. and start my life with my love already, but i cant. we both need to wait for a lot of things, financial and otherwise, to fall into place. the cop is perfectly OK with waiting, but i am Anxious. I feel myself getting older, (going on 25) and i want babies already..... i just wish i could rise above it, but the more i try, the crappier i feel about the whole thing.

2. Shitty Friends- I have a crapload of these. but for some reason, i always expect better of them all. I wait for them to be there for me when i need them, to not flake out on me, to be up for some fun adventures, to not talk shit about me behind my back or try to make out with my boyfriend when i am not looking (ok i made that one up) to be there when i need them, and also sometimes be there when i dont need them. But - lo and behold- in every instance i am disappointed. i wish i was better than that. like i should have learned my lesson, but i havent. im still left out in the cold for shitty friends.

3. On that note- Not Shitty friends--- now i wish i had me some of these. The only one i have is the cop- and he works a lot, so very often i am left fending for myself. i dont mind being alone sometimes, but the cop does. he worries about me walking around the city by myself. being older, and out of college, and most of my older friends are married with babies, makes making new friends hard, trying, annoying and frustrating.

4. A more understanding family- ok- dont get me wrong. I love them. Its just that they got more religious, and less open to the *other* side of things since my dad passed. Its their way of handling things. but i am not at that level, and i get degraded for it. the cop isnt on that level either, but we both understand and allow for all types in our life. my mom isnt that way and it is the cause of a lot of friction in my house, and with my mom and the cop. i lay in bed at night hoping it will all be ok, that everyone can just get along one day.

5. My dad- i freaking miss him. Its not fair to be a half orphan at 24. my dad was only 48 when he passed. my mom is a wreck, two years later. i feel like no matter what happens, i cannot pull it all together.

7. Understanding me- School has been frying my brain. I though i was smarter than i am i guess. I just want to teach, and the classes just make it worse and worse. to top it all off, i have an Anti-Semitic teacher who would stop at nothing than to penalize me in a roundabout, legal way for missing class due to my holidays. i feel stupid and insufficient. and because no one in my family, nor any of my friends are supportive of my graduate choices- i am stupid and alone.

6. being alone- because of all of these things, i spend a lot of time alone. i just wish i could handle that better, and i wish i knew the answers to being happier. because right now, i feel sucky.